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[May. 5th, 2008|02:53 am] |
 A diary to an insane mind, that's what I shall entitle this for now since this is for my own viewing pleasure. I have never been one to open up and share my secrets however I realize now if I move again being as cold and as distant as I am with a bubbly fake smile upon my face, I will serve the same fate from everyone else I care about. I will either become Sueann, Terry, or Quade but either way, I will die.
My life was made to be the American dream, people will tell you that and I have to agree. Born with blonde hair, blue eyes, one dimple, small body and to top it all off, athletic build for a sport like cheerleading, I have the quite essential role of prom queen wanna-be. Not to mention my military father and my belated mother the nurse turned house wife. Yes, I came equipped with a four older brothers; One handsome and suave, one overly smart, one athletic as hell, and one a sarcastic shark with a wicked tongue. My family with its white picket fence military base houses and more came to be what would be considered perfect on the outside. Even our Christmas cards with a huge family clustered together screamed amazing. To bad that didn't follow in step right.
It was during desert storm that things went down hill only to get worse with time. However before I get there you shall need a back story. Nothing shall be left out, not if I am to move on.
My name is Rosalynn Ann Mayer, youngest child and only daughter of Terry and Sueann Mayer. Born upon June 8, 1983, I quickly became known as the holding glue which completed the 7 person family. Jonathan, Michael, Nathan, and Quade [listed in descending order] felt blessed for the newest and last arrival, quickly becoming protective of the young female as she grew. The Mayer family moved around a lot, never settling for two years at one place giving the children a hard time making friends but they always had each other and their parents. Sueann, kind and gracious to a fault loved her children and always was there for them though it was well known she had a favorite. Jonathan, the eldest, was teased for that, being the biggest mama's boy around. He was also his father's favorite but that could be because of his manner. Jonathan growing up wanted to be like his parents and live a life matching theres into old age. Handsome, Strong, Athletic, Smart, Mannered, and so much more, he out-shined the brightest stars and anyone who knew him loved him. It was no surprise to anyone that when he turned 18 in 1992 he signed up for the army. His younger sister Rosalynn however was not so happy about that along with his mother Sueann who threatened to divorce her husband over it. But the problem was set, nothing would change, Jonathan signed up and shipped out only to spend the next three years talking to his family through letters and spare phone calls.
The family continued to grow though and more different traits showed through. Michael, always smart and dorkish began to skip grades, graduating like a perfect young man at the early age of 15. His leaving did hurt their mother Sueann also though she dealt better with it, closing off her problems only to look at her three children left and spoil them rotten.
( Continue... )
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 ::Sitting in the dark with her over sized computer in front of her upon her desk, the small brunette lets out a tired yawn as one of her hands comes up from her keyboard only to sleepily rub her eye. She had been up far to long, working on some paperwork for Tony's Garage she had been putting off far to long. It wasn't normal for her to procrastinate but with summer only recently ending she couldn't help herself, or so she would say to anyone who asked.
A small sigh escapes her thin lips as she drops her hand to her keyboard again. She had had enough and with that thought and a couple clicks on the small black mouse which lays under her other hand, she saves what she has before clicking the GJ link on her IE page. She had been meaning to update her new found online journal but with everyone else, had put it off.::
"Must Sleep... Page Will Sleep.. After This"
::She tells herself aloud as the site pops up on the screen in front of her, making her eyes squint some. Sighing once again, she takes the mouse and moves it to the update page, letting to load fully before her fingers hit the keyboard, typing out whatever she can as she concentrates on one thing... bed.::
White Trash. Beauty Queen. Wife. Mother. Boss. Bitch. Drunk. Whore. Dreamer. Survivor. Giver. Taker.
I was born to a mechanic who only recently handed his business off to me to help support Ethan and I in our trials of raising our six month old son Connor. In a small town, gossip flies fast and since I can remember, I have been part of that gossip. I slept with this person, said that, wore this, did that. It's all nonsense but it sticks with you. The names, the trials and events. It all causes you to suddenly believe everything they say.
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 (-( Looking back at me I see that I never really got it right )-)
Once upon a time in classic New York style, Raquel Josephine Corina Cruz was born to the most unusual and yet still cliche family. Her mother a proud, strong, intelligent Italian woman while her father was a stubborn, quick, powerful Cuban man. In a town-house with dark maroon and brown shaggy carpets, plastic covered furniture, and someone always cooking within the kitchen she was raised. Neighbors were family, family was impossible to escape. Friends of the family were cousins and aunts while best friends became brothers and sisters. Rules of morals such as church every Sunday, always use your best manors at the dinner table, and respect your family were held to the highest degree. Raquel Josephine Corina Cruz was like ever other roman-catholic kid in Brooklyn and loved it until she grew a mind of her own.
(-( I never stopped to think of you. I'm always wrapped up in things I cannot win )-)
With a cigarette between her full pouty lips, her hair lazily pulled back into a rather shabby bun, and her sweats hanging low on her hips Raquel slowly walks through her apartment to her kitchen in search of something to eat. She felt dead on her feel - most likely from her rather long day of answering phones, jotting down notes, and fighting with people she didn't care to know. A hard working single gal in Las Vegas; she was a long way from home and preferred it that way.
(-( You are the antidote that gets me by. Something strong like a drug that gets me high )-)
At the age of fifteen Raquel discovered things about her father she to this day couldn't accept. The man she looked up to and respected - who owned his own garage and threw barbecue's every weekend in the summer with all the family invited - was nothing better then scum. He along with his 'family' of brothers were like a Mafia. Parking tickets would never happen with Uncle Vinny in the precinct. No one dared to argue with the 'gentlemen' in fear of what trouble it may bring. No one dared to anything but respect them and treat them as if they were outstanding citizens. The facts behind this made her sick and fearful. How could the man she called father be like this? And how could her mother live with this?
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Sitting at the end of the bar with a glass of scotch in front of her and an ashtray filled with fags besides her, Rhoslyn sits back upon a rather uncomfortable stool as the young male bartender pokes and prods at her for answers about her youth and her discovery of herself - having most likely nothing better to do with his time, especially since no one was around. Now normally Rhoslyn would never answer such questions, hell - normally she wouldn't even be talking to him however with the alcohol stirring within her system and sleep hardly on the horizon, the idea of simply informing this young man of her sexual awakening seemed harmless enough.
::Holding her mail in her mouth, her purse with the knob in one hand and the key which fiddles in the lock in another, Caroline pushes herself hard against her apartment door, getting it to stop sticking and fly open. She sighs in relief, picking up her backpack which laid on her feet and shuffles her way inside, tossing he keys into a near by dish on a small stool before pulling the mail from her mouth, flipping through it quick, finding nothing of interest. She takes her backpack and purse, walking through the apartment and drops them on a recliner before going back to the door and shutting it, locking it back up again.::
A long summer's night drifts on through-out the Jordyn household as the sun sets within the distance, leaving and eerie glow within the living room - pink and rosy from the sky's cast. And here I sit, amongst the color, amongst the furniture in stillness with my hair pulled back and eyes half shut - surrounded by blissful silence. Here I am in all my glory, open and alone, for-filled and yet not at peace. This is a diary into my soul, into my perspectives upon everyday life and I sit here within my living room typing it onto a notepad because I have hideous grammar skills and refuse to give anything to the public before proofreading and spell checking it at least a hundred times.